Goodbye my Babies

It's a bit eerie how my last post 'In Loving Memory' was 15 days before my father died. I guess it's just something I never saw coming and well even if I did, I don't think I was ever going be ready for it both physically and mentally for it. I still remember everything that happened the day before, how I smiled a lot, the rush of adrenaline I felt at times, the last words he said to me when I saw him and they way I looked at him whilst he was reading the paper, how he scolded me for trying to kill a spider. I even remember the last meal he had.

 The morning it happened, I had a dream of my mother, sister, my father, and I ... how we were all laughing and happy because we had a new addition to the family. When I woke up I thought to myself  a new baby being born could mean a person dying and then..... I found out. I remember jumping out of bed to go see if it was really true. I was denial because he looked so beautiful and peaceful, I thought he was sleeping. My escape from the world is either writing or music, but when I tried either, it didn't work. I remember how I tried writing after but I felt so empty, even when I was told to write a speech - a farewell letter to him,  that I was meant to say on the day of his funeral, I just couldn't do it. I remember how I wanted to say everything important but I figured I would need to write a whole book. Some of the things I wanted to say, only you would understand and it seemed pointless to include in the letter, but also seemed important to include. The day he died tears did not come to my eyes maybe because of the shock because it never hit me the first day , but when I saw his coffin and everything I just broke down and I guess that's when it hit me that you were truly gone.

Sometimes I feel like I| was too hard on him and I wonder if he was ever proud of me , I'd like to think that I made him proud nonetheless. I feel like I owe it to him. I never thought I would get out of this dark time but I guess God has his ways.

Goodbye my babies where his last words he said to me and my sis

R.I.P dear dad and your 'babies' love you !!!